Playing House
by MahouBunnyBell
Summary: Roy's womanizing past catches up with him in a most unexpected way. How will Roy handle being a father? Yaoi, RoyEd. NOT mpreg.
1. Prologue

Title: Playing House (real title pending)  
Chapter: 00 - Prologue (though I suppose that it could stand alone as a drabble of some sort...)  
Pairing: Roy x Ed  
Genre: Romance, yaoi, humor  
Summary: Roy's womanizing past catches up on him when he least expects it... how will he an Ed handle this?  
Rating: Currently PG-13 (for potty-mouth Ed), but may end up higher in later chapters.  
Note: This is based on an old RPG I used to run... The idea just wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it out. I suppose in some ways you could say that my Edward (littlepen) is a co-author, at least for the first few chapters.

-

"You know, you'd make a really good dad." Ed stated offhand to his lover, whom was lying beside him in bed. Roy merely raised an eyebrow in response.

"If you were a woman I would be feeling really uncomfortable right now, Edward." He commented, cuddling the boy closer to him. Edward scowled and batted at the man's arms in a silent protest of the affection.

"I just mean that you are very paternal, Colonel Shit! You know, how you always look out for me and Al." he clarified.

"Well, I have to look out for you. You tend to act before thinking." Roy explained rationally. Ed didn't seem too pleased with this explanation.

"I DO NOT!" Ed protested, fuming, Roy just shrugged it off and let Ed calm down on his own, "...okay. So maybe I do. But that still doesn't change the fact that you look out for me and Al."

"Well, if you two aren't in one piece I won't get any sex."

"Al doesn't give you sex. At least he better not, or I'll be forced to kill you in a very prolonged and painful manner."

"Okay, okay. If Al isn't in one piece you're too busy worrying about him to give me any sex. Is THAT better?" Roy offered. Ed looked thoughtful.

"Okay. True enough, bastard. But you are still really paternal. I wish my dad had been more like you instead of a total asshole... Not that you aren't a total asshole, of course. You're just not as bad as him."

Roy smirked and pinned the younger man to the bed, starting to nip at his jawbone.

"Enough talk, Edward..."

"Hey! Cut it out you nasty pervert! I'm not in the mood!" Edward protested loudly. Roy didn't pay it any attention.

---

It all started, innocently enough, with a knock on the door to the apartment that Roy Mustang lived in with his sometimes-housemates, the Elric brothers.

"Get the door, would you, Roy?" Ed demanded, looking down from the book he was reading at the dozing man.

"I'm naked, Edward." Roy pointed out. Edward shrugged.

"So am I. But I'm reading, so you can get up and answer the door. Besides, it's your fault that we're naked to begin with."

"Let Alphonse get it."

"Al's out shopping, dumbass!" Edward snapped, attempting to push his lover out of the bed and onto the floor.

"Ah. I suppose he would be, with the amount that you eat... Surprising, judging by your size, really..." Roy muttered, without really thinking.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE SHOULDN'T NEED TO EAT ANYTHING TO STAY ALIVE?"

Roy attempted to drown out his lover's ranting by pulling a pillow over his head. It didn't work.

"I suppose we really ought to go get the door..." He suggested, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, well... I'm not going to go answer it. Besides, this isn't really even MY place. You answer it." Edward reasoned, thrusting a bathrobe in Roy's face just as it emerged from under the pillow. Roy grumbled but got up and slipped it on, heading out of the bedroom to answer the front door.

Edward, apparently pleased that he won their morning argument (ah morning, the time when Roy was most likely to yield just to shut Edward up), put on his own robe and trailed after the man looking curious.

Roy glanced at the clock on his way to the door. It was already almost noon. He'd really slept in today. Oh well, it wasn't often he had a day off, and Edward's... youthful enthusiasm had really tired him out.

He wasn't getting OLD. Really. He was only thirty, after all. That was still fairly young.

"Hey old man! Why are you just standing there? Answer the goddamn door already!" Edward demanded, giving Roy a look akin to that of a curious child. Roy tried not to twitch over the 'old man' comment and opened the door.

And stared.

There, standing on his doorstep and staring back up at Roy, was a little boy with dark brown eyes and messy black hair. The kid couldn't have been older than four years old.

"Papa?" The child asked, thrusting an envelope towards Roy. Roy took the envelope hesitantly, a feeling of dread pooling in his stomach as he pulled out and read the letter inside.

_Roy-  
This is your son, Zachary, age four. I am no longer able to care for him and am leaving him with you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner._

Roy lowered the letter and stared back at the child, mentally trying to go over all the women he'd slept with four years ago in an attempt to figure out who could have left the boy on his doorstep. Edward, of course, took a much less rational path.

"You ASSHOLE! You said that you never fucked ANY of those women without a fucking CONDOM! I can't fucking BELIEVE this! I'm SO leaving you!"

tbc


	2. Papa? When did this happen?

Title: Playing House (real title pending)  
Chapter: 01 - Papa? When did THIS happen?  
Pairing: Roy x Ed  
Genre: Romance, yaoi, humor  
Summary: Roy's womanizing past catches up on him when he least expects it... how will he and Ed handle this?  
Rating: Currently PG-13 (for potty-mouth Ed), but may end up higher in later chapters.  
Note: This is based on an old RPG I used to run... The idea just wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it out. I suppose in some ways you could say that my Edward (littlepen) is a co-author, at least for the first few chapters.  
It's not really canon... the RPG strayed from the series before episode twenty-five and thus certain things may be off in this fanfic.  
Hopefully the next chapter will be more eventful. I'm still trying to get everything together so that the adventures of the Mustang/Elric family can begin.

-

Roy Mustang really had no idea what to do with a child. He'd really never considered it, outside of the few times that Hughes had roped him into watching Elysia for him. And those times he could just hand her back to her parents after awhile to take care of all the hard stuff.

But this time HE was the parent. And he really had no idea how to react to that news. He'd had no warning, after all.

"Honestly, Mustang! What kinds of whores were you fucking back then that they'd pop out a kid and not even bother to TELL you!" Edward ranted, totally summing up Roy's train of thought.

Of course, it led to other options as well.

"Exactly. There's no proof that this child really is mine, is there!" Roy exclaimed, sounding rather pleased with his answer. Edward just gave him a disbelieving look and pointed to the little boy, whom was sitting at the kitchen table eating some cereal.

"He looks just like a mini-you, dipshit. Honestly, it's enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life..."

Roy looked crestfallen. It was true after all. The boy was his spitting image. There was no doubt in his mind that the child was his.

"Hey Papa, who's he?" The little boy piped up, pointing to Ed. Roy blinked and looked thoughtful.

"Well, he's Edward... my... friend."

"I'm the damn most important person in your Papa's life, and he'd better not fucking forget it!"

Roy gave Edward a patronizing look.

"Language, Edward."

"Oops. Sorry." Edward replied sheepishly. Really. It wasn't his fault that this whole thing had him so on edge. How was he supposed to react upon learning that his lover had a four year old son? He'd bet that Roy knew about it too, and had just been hiding it too.

Or not, judging by the shell-shocked look on Roy's face as he took the kid's (Zachary, was it?) bowl to the sink.

Okay. So the man hadn't known, and thus hadn't been hiding it. He was still allowed to be pissed off about it. Even if it DID happen four years ago. When he was only twelve and not at all somebody that could hope to capture Roy Mustang's affection. It was perfectly normal, and he WASN'T jealous. Not one bit.

"...what are you thinking about?" Roy asked, giving Ed a weird look as he stood in the doorway holding his son.

"Huh? Oh, nothing, you asshole." Edward replied, scowling. Roy just shrugged it off as typical behavior for his lover.

"Well, I'm going to bathe Zachary and lay him down for a nap. And then I'm calling Maes to come over. I need advice."

---

Edward flopped down on the couch with a book and tried to take in all that had occurred while his lover bathed the four year old boy. Or at least tried to bathe the boy, judging by the sounds drifting in from the master bathroom.

Edward briefly debated going in and assisting his dumbass lover in his attempt to bathe the kid, but he really didn't have any more of an idea how to bathe a four year old boy than Roy did.

"Niisan? Why are you reading that book upside-down?"

Edward jumped about five feet from the surprise of hearing his brother's voice, and snapped his head up to see his recently-restored brother with his arms full of groceries.

"Thank goodness, Al! You'll never believe what happened! Roy has a fucking KID!" Edward exclaimed, jumping up to his feet.

Alphonse blinked a few times, looking rather surprised.

"He has a kid? When did this happen?"

---

Hughes couldn't stop laughing. And it was REALLY getting on Roy Mustang's nerves. Couldn't the man treat this situation more seriously?

"Ha ha ha... You have a KID? It figures, with the rate you go..." Hughes spared a glance at the glaring Edward and amended his statement, "WENT through girls!"

"Damn straight it's went. He'd fucking better NOT be going through girls at that rate. Not when he has ME!"

"Don't worry, Edward. I'm not suicidal enough to cheat on you."

"Good." The way Ed said it made it seem more like their own brand of sappy endearments than anything else.

"Ahem. I hate to interrupt you two lovebirds, but don't we need to discuss Mustang's kid?" Al pointed out, glancing into the bedroom at Zachary, whom was still sound asleep.

"Yeah. I have to figure out who the mother is and what to do about the kid." Roy stated. Hughes shrugged.

"Well, I'll use my network to see if I can identify the mother, but you have to give me a list of the girls you dated around the time he would have been conceived. As for your options, I say you should raise him! Having a child is a delightful experience, if I do say so myself! And since you've already found a wife-"

Roy and Al both backed up a bit so as to avoid Edward's outraged screech.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING HIS WIFE!" The boy ranted, waving his arms around.

In the other room Zachary opened his eyes and looked around (awoken by his new _stepmother'_s screeching, no doubt).

"Well, I suppose that I should keep him. After all, I can't just abandon him, or send him back to a mother that would..." Roy reasoned, once his lover had calmed down enough for him to speak.

"That is true, Roy. What the hell kind of woman were you bonking back then?" Hughes asked. Edward smirked.

"I asked him the same thing. Clearly his taste has improved greatly since then, seeing as now he's with someone like ME..." Edward gloated, finding this an ample opportunity to point out to Roy how much better he was than his ex-lovers, as well as to fish for some praise.

"Don't be too full of yourself, Edward."

"What is THAT supposed to mean?"

Al rolled his eyes and crept out of the room to check on the newly awakened boy, whom looked up at him with big eyes.

"Who are you, mister?" Zach asked. Al smiled and patted the boy's head.

"I live here too. I'll be your Uncle Alphonse." He told the boy. The boy smiled.

"Can you be my big brother instead?" the boy asked, jumping onto Al.

"...well... I don't see why not." Al agreed, looking at the boy reluctantly. What a friendly kid. It was good that he could smile like this even after being left in a strange place. It was a lot for a child his age to go through, after all.

"Cool! I've never had a big brother before! This is great! I get a Papa and a big brother in the same day!" Zachary exclaimed. Al raised an eyebrow. There was no mention of Ed in the above statement.

"Actually, I think it's more like two big brothers. You've met my brother, Edward, right?" Al pointed out. A reluctant look crossed Zach's young face.

"Oh yeah... that noisy, mean guy that clings to Papa. I don't want him as a brother."

Alphonse blinked. The kid didn't like his niisan? Well, that was going to make life here a little more difficult.

In the other room Roy and Edward continued their bickering while Maes tried to intercept with pictures of his daughter.

tbc


	3. Panic! Domestic tension!

Title: Playing House (STILL trying to choose an official title)  
Chapter: 02 - Panic! Domestic tension!  
Pairing: Roy x Ed  
Genre: Romance, yaoi, humor  
Summary: Roy's womanizing past catches up on him when he least expects it... how will he and Ed handle this?  
Rating: Currently PG-13 (for potty-mouth Ed), but may end up higher in later chapters.  
Note: This is based on an old RPG I used to run... The idea just wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it out. I suppose in some ways you could say that my Edward (littlepen) is a co-author, at least for the first few chapters.  
It's not really canon... the RPG strayed from the series before episode twenty-five and thus certain things may be off in this fanfic.  
This chapter is devoted to dragonfemme, whom left the most lovely comment on chapter one that really got me to pump out this chapter. So thanks, sweetness!  
I would also like to thank everyone else that commented. I appreciate the feedback. I'm not that good of an author, but comments really give me a feel of where to go with this, so keep it up. It also gives me the willpower to go on when I burn out.  
...I'm also trying to think of a decent title. Any suggestions?

* * *

Nightfall was a very welcome thing in the opinion of Edward Elric. With Al asleep in his room and Zachary tucked in to sleep on the couch he could pretend that things were normal. That his lover hadn't just discovered he was the father of a four year-old boy.

Of course, ROY couldn't forget it. Ed looked at his poor lover, lying beside him and looking totally stressed out. He couldn't help but feel sorry for the man, though he would never admit it outside of the bedroom in the dead of night.

Finally Ed determined that it was up to him to ease Roy's nerves. After all, if he was in this position he'd expect the man to do the same for him.

"Hey, Roy... you okay?" Ed asked quietly, trailing a hand over the man's muscular chest. Roy let out a sigh and relaxed into Edward's touch.

"Yeah. It's just a lot to take in. That's all..." Roy explained, "I really have no idea how to be a good father..."

Edward scoffed at this, and punched his lover's chest gently.

"I already told you you'd make a good dad, dumbass. Don't you believe me?" he demanded. Roy forced a smile.

"...yeah. You did say that. And I guess you're right. It's just a lot to do on my own..." Roy explained, Ed shrugged.

"Don't worry. You have me to help, right? I do pretty well with Elysia, so this kid should be no problem to help watch. Besides, the way he looks like a little you was kind of cute, once I got over the ill feeling and twitching..."

Roy laughed and pulled Edward into a deep kiss, holding the young man close to him even after the kiss ended.

"Have I told you lately how perfect you are, Edward? You really make me feel complete..." Roy whispered in Ed's ear as he nibbled on the edge of it. Edward scowled.

"Enough foreplay, old man! I'm SIXTEEN. I don't have the patience to let you nibble and tease like that!" Edward growled. Roy sighed.

"Oh well. I suppose I'll give in to your demands tonight..." He agreed, beginning to strip off Edward's pajamas as the boy snaked a hand into his boxers.

Then the sound of the door opening echoed through the room, and the two stopped dead in their tracks, pulling away from each other.

"Papa... I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?" the small voice asked. Roy sighed, but nodded.

"Yeah, get in bed."

The small boy crawled into the bed directly between Roy and Ed, and snuggled up to his Papa for the remainder of the night.

Ed would have sworn that the four year-old gave him a dirty glare before nodding off to sleep.

* * *

Living with his Papa was pretty fun. Zachary had always wanted a papa, after all, and to finally have one was a wonderful feeling. Of course he missed his mother, but that woman had left him. And she'd been clear that she wouldn't be coming back. No, Papa was all he had now.

Of course, there was the matter of Edward to deal with. If that man made Papa get rid of him like his mother's boyfriend had it would be bad. But Zachary was fairly sure that he could break up his Papa and the mean, obnoxious guy.

Zachary spared a glance to his Papa, who was on the phone in the other room, trying to convince whoever was on the other end that he did indeed need to take the day off to watch his newly-discovered son. Edward was still asleep in bed, as was Alphonse.

Deciding that he was hungry Zachary took off into the kitchen and opened various cabinet doors in search of food. His Papa was fun, but he really didn't have much good food. The boy continued his search until he finally came across a package of chocolate chip cookies. Grabbing the delicious treat the boy sat down at the table and ate, waiting for his Papa to finish up his phone call and come play with him.

"Zachary? What are you into?" Roy asked, entering the room and looking at his son with a raised eyebrow, "Are those cookies? They must be Edward's. Oh well, I guess he won't mind sharing with you..."

* * *

"It isn't going to work out, Al. That kid is a total demon!" Edward ranted to his brother, who raised an eyebrow and glanced into the other room, where Roy was reading a book to the innocent-looking little child.

"...he's just a kid, Niisan. How bad can it be?"

Edward just about exploded. How bad could it be?

"That kid has been going out of his way to get between me and MY shithead lover, and gives me dirty looks whenever Roy isn't looking! He's trying to STEAL him from me!" Edward insisted animatedly. Al merely tried not to laugh.

"He's probably just delighted to have a chance to know his father, Niisan. And you DID make a rather bad first impression. Maybe you two should try to work things out. I'm sure that he ISN'T trying to steal away your... shithead lover?" Al questioned. Ed fumed.

"That's what Roy is."

"...sometimes I wonder how in the world you two stay together." Al muttered. Edward shrugged.

"We have separated like... five times in one six-month period." He pointed out.

"Yeah. But never for more than a few days. And it's always you that's doing the walking out, too. You get angry and leave, coming back when you cool off. In fact, I'm surprised that you didn't leave when Zachary first showed up."

Edward blinked. He had been rather upset at the time, but it was more out of his jealousy that somebody else could do something as personal as giving Roy a kid than that the kid was actually there.

It was a pretty stupid reason to be upset. He was male. Of course he couldn't give Roy any kids. That kind of thing only happened in a few badly-written stories he had at one point come across. But that didn't mean that he couldn't WANT to share something that personal with Roy, right?

Not that he WOULD want to, of course.

At first the kid didn't really seem so bad, either. His mother abandoned him, so he could easily take over and help Roy raise the child, right? They could keep the kid happy and secure and Roy could still pay attention to him on a regular basis too.

But instead he got a little twerp dumped on his doorstep that was intent on stealing all of the attention he craved from Roy. And did it ever make him MAD.

Alphonse watched his brother's face with first confusion, and then understanding.

"Niisan, I think things will be okay. You and Zachary just need to get to know each other a little better." Alphonse assured his brother, "and I'm sure you'll get used to Zachary. Kids are needy, but it will probably get better soon."

Alphonse HOPED it would, at least. He didn't particularly need his brother at war with a four year-old boy.

Although judging by his brother's statement after digging around in the pantry it might be too late.

"That little brat ate MY cookies!"

* * *

tbc 


End file.
